Consistent Inconsistency: Identifying depression miles away

The flames that burned were the inconsistency of people who meant a lot to me. The only thing consistent about them was their inconsistency about showing up, meaning what they say, and being communicative.

The smoke one can see from a distance. Remember this, Jackie, and run.

 
"Consistent Inconsistency”

This past winter, it felt as though my then-boyfriend, run me over by a car but then another man swooped in reaching out his hand to pull me back up from the horrible break up, wound up hopping in the driver’s seat and slamming it in reverse.

There was the then-boyfriend at the time whom I’ll call Bryan. Simultaneously there was a man (called “Davidson”) towards the end of the then-boyfriend relationship who slid right in as the fake fill-in boyfriend only to permanently and suddenly ghost me without explanation. Neither of their words aligned with their actions. Bryan who was my actual boyfriend said he’d pay for all of my moving expenses to be with him if he landed the job of his dreams on the other side of the US Coast. He love bombed me with gifts and promises to care for me. But all of his actions including frequent last minute cancellations of weekend plans, the lack of planning, the inability to give even a two-hour frame for his ETA to meet up, gaslighting me, all did not align with what he said he’d do for me. He had the boyfriend title, but did not act like a boyfriend.

Similarly, but ironically in reverse, Davidson from the onset said we were just friends but his actions smelled like a boyfriend, walked like a boyfriend and talked like a boyfriend. He sat for 3 hours at a time for 3 consecutive weekends (nine hours total) wanting to be my therapist as I lamented about how awful the ex-boyfriend and the busy work season were. I didn’t invite him. He always initiated plans. For me, having someone be a good conversationalist and actually initiate plans was so new. He was filling in the gaps my ex-boyfriend was absent in.

He love-bombed me too but through quality time, acts of service and gifts.

Davidson didn’t let me pay for a large platform he custom built for Mochi so Mochi could look out the window when I’m not home. We designed it together, he bought the materials, cut, built and painted it with non-toxic paint, something he knew was important to me because Mochi beat cancer.

One day, he said to me “hey, want to read that book together?” when I asked if he’s ever heard of a book my coworker told me about. Knowing I like to read, he spontaneously gifted me a bookmark, two pen-holders which attach to books, a highlighter and pen.

At the end, when I admitted “sorta, kinda” feelings for him (emphasis on sorta, kinda. I said I was an overly anxious person, fearful of everything and mentally and emotionally unstable but that after I got well, I would like to consider going on a date with him"). This was the truth. He behaved like the fill-in boyfriend without my prompting and did what I would’ve wanted a boyfriend to do. He initiated all the boyfriend-like behavior. Well, after admitting my quasi feelings for him…

he SPRINTED for the hills 

and from the top he hollered down, “I don’t think I’d be compatible for you you you you!” echo echo echo.

After a couple of weeks of silence, I responded with classic anxious attachment style behavior by protesting (meaning when you don’t like a behavior, you protest by saying something like “so did you want to delete me from your address book since you hardly respond anymore?” which is exactly what I said). He replied “I think it’s better we ended all communication because I’m not in the right place of mind and I can’t be the friend you need. It seems it’s hurting you.”

In humility, I explained immediately that my protest behavior was because I missed him and hadn’t heard from him in a while, but he was not ready to reconcile anything with anyone. He didn’t reply to this and…

I never heard from him again

There was no explanation for his disappearance, no allowance for me to mourn that he was about to be gone for good.

His words said friends but his actions of custom building a big beautiful resting platform for my dog, Mochi, suggesting we read a relationship book together, gifting me bookmarks, pens, highlighters, repairing my vehicle saving me thousands of dollars with half day’s notice, and texting me when when he got home safely (this was not my request), consoling me for 3 consecutive weekends at 3 hours a pop (total 9 hours) about my break-up, all did not line up with “just being friends.”

Bryan said he was serious about me and that he loved me, but he was neglectful. Davidson established verbally from the beginning we were just friends, but he acted like a boyfriend.

I was run over by Bryan but Davidson hopped in the car, and drove it in reverse.

My lesson here is that both actions and words have to line up. Davidson saying we were friends but acting like a boyfriend was confusing. Had I been a better communicator, I would’ve said, “I feel this is something boyfriend and girlfriends do.” I want to be straightforward, kind and clear in my communication.

I am also not a person who devalues words and only values actions; words are powerful. This is not subjective, contrary to Bryan’s beliefs “F*CK tone! F*ck words, only actions matter” he once said. Okay, so if that is true, then why did I stay so long when he also lacked action? The answer to this question is for another newsletter. But the gist is a combination of my ego and anxious attachment.

The details surrounding the ex-boyfriend are even juicier than Davidson’s and certainly more outrageous. I’m very careful now about who I spend my time with and I show no mercy about cutting people off. I have to. My mental health is at stake. When that goes, so does my physical health. When either of those go, so does Mochi’s health. He has a new health battle I’m still fighting against today because of my winter and early spring depression. Chronic kidney disease (CKD).

I’ve defeated his CKD for now, but I’m not sure what the long term effects are. It’s probably forever that I won’t be able to return him to his normal diet. There’s a part of me that feels I’m only managing his CKD, but I haven’t cured him yet. I was informed by someone that kidneys are much harder to heal than the liver. The liver does a fantastic job of regenerating itself, but not so much the kidneys. If this is true, then the solution is to be patient and consistent with his at-home remedies and diet. Over time, his kidneys will regenerate.

My depression caused me to fall behind in my personal responsibilities, including caring for Mochi.

I overfed him sardines (2-3 times per week) which are saturated with salt and phosphorous because it was easy to prepare from the can. I cut corners because I was distracted by significantly less important things, the busy work season and unhealthy people. It does not matter the can said “no salt added.” I didn’t look at the nutrition label.

Here comes the line-up of “I didn’t knows”:

1. I didn’t know it had that much salt

2. I didn’t know sardines were notorious for high phosphorous levels

3. I didn’t know excessive phosphorous was salt’s co-conspirator to annihilate kidney function.

Salt + Phosphorus = chronic kidney disease

Sardines = salt + phosphorus = chronic kidney disease

All that is ever said about sardines in a majority of literature are its multitude of benefits: omegas, good fats, etc. But nobody warns how much is excessive and what excessive sardines can lead to.

We were in the clear for a couple of weeks, but now, I’m not so sure. I still call it a battle until the terrain is clear of smoke, that is until his kidneys are consistently stable. This time my poor mental condition led to his Chronic Kidney Disease. Last time, in 2021 my poor mental state and our toxic environment led to his lymphoma diagnosis.

Run Jackie. Run.